A couple of weeks ago, I had a chemical miscarriage.
Many people may not even know what this is. And neither did I until I actually had one. A chemical miscarriage is when the pregnancy ends very very early. Usually at around the same time your actual period is due, which is why a lot of women have them without even knowing they have. It is not a false pregnancy, nor does it feel like one.
I felt pregnant almost straight away. It seems ridiculous, but I did. I felt crampy, tired... ok exhausted, had a heightened sense of smell, vivid dreams, the need to wee more. I felt all of it. A couple of you guys actually asked if I was pregnant after I complained about being so tired all the time, and that's what made me take a test. The test was very very faintly positive. The second line was barely there, but it was there all the same. And I just knew. I felt it and I could sense it. I knew I was pregnant.
And I did the worst thing you can do when you find out you are pregnant very early on. I allowed myself to dream about the future, to get a little excited, to vision another newborn. I wish I hadn't, because it was far too early to be thinking so far ahead, stupid even. But I just couldn't help myself. The thought of a sibling for Alice, a new baby in the house, buying a double buggy. All the amazing times ahead for our family. This would be the last Christmas we would spend as a family of 3!
I told Dave and showed him the test. He wasn't convinced, he could barely see the line. He told me not to get too excited, it was probably a mistake, a dodgy test. I wish I had listened to him.
I woke up on the Thursday morning. And I felt that all too familiar feeling. The cramps, the bloated stomach, the heavy feeling. And another feeling I hadn't expected. Emptiness.
I knew straight away that this pregnancy was over. I knew straight away that there would be no baby, no growing bump, no sibling for Alice. I knew it. My period was just 2 days late. If I hadn't taken the test, I would have never have even known what had happened. But I did take that test, and I knew exactly what had happened.
There was no pain. No grieving. No family to ring and tell them what had happened. Nothing. Just the emptiness. And I was the only one who could feel it.
The thing is, there was no baby. There were no hands or toes or even a heartbeat. No kicks or movements or bump. It was just a small cluster of cells. Nothing more than that. An ultra sound wouldn't have even picked it up. It wasn't like it was a real pregnancy.
Except it was.
It was real, because I felt it. We as humans have a talent which both helps and hinders our day to day the life. The ability to vision the future, to dream. And I did. I saw that baby in my head, saw our family unit, felt the excitement of welcoming a new life into the world again. It wasn't just a cluster of cells that left my body that day, it was my baby. Our future, which slipped away so quietly, so simply and so cruelly.
It wasn't just a chemical miscarriage.
It was so much more.