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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

It was only a Chemical Miscarriage


A couple of weeks ago, I had a chemical miscarriage.

Many people may not even know what this is. And neither did I until I actually had one. A chemical miscarriage is when the pregnancy ends very very early. Usually at around the same time your actual period is due, which is why a lot of women have them without even knowing they have. It is not a false pregnancy, nor does it feel like one.

I felt pregnant almost straight away. It seems ridiculous, but I did. I felt crampy, tired... ok exhausted, had a heightened sense of smell, vivid dreams, the need to wee more. I felt all of it. A couple of you guys actually asked if I was pregnant after I complained about being so tired all the time, and that's what made me take a test. The test was very very faintly positive. The second line was barely there, but it was there all the same. And I just knew. I felt it and I could sense it. I knew I was pregnant.

And I did the worst thing you can do when you find out you are pregnant very early on. I allowed myself to dream about the future, to get a little excited, to vision another newborn. I wish I hadn't, because it was far too early to be thinking so far ahead, stupid even. But I just couldn't help myself. The thought of a sibling for Alice, a new baby in the house, buying a double buggy. All the amazing times ahead for our family. This would be the last Christmas we would spend as a family of 3!

I told Dave and showed him the test. He wasn't convinced, he could barely see the line. He told me not to get too excited, it was probably a mistake, a dodgy test. I wish I had listened to him.

I woke up on the Thursday morning. And I felt that all too familiar feeling. The cramps, the bloated stomach, the heavy feeling. And another feeling I hadn't expected. Emptiness.

I knew straight away that this pregnancy was over. I knew straight away that there would be no baby, no growing bump, no sibling for Alice. I knew it. My period was just 2 days late. If I hadn't taken the test, I would have never have even known what had happened. But I did take that test, and I knew exactly what had happened.

There was no pain. No grieving. No family to ring and tell them what had happened. Nothing. Just the emptiness. And I was the only one who could feel it.

The thing is, there was no baby. There were no hands or toes or even a heartbeat. No kicks or movements or bump. It was just a small cluster of cells. Nothing more than that. An ultra sound wouldn't have even picked it up. It wasn't like it was a real pregnancy.

Except it was.

It was real, because I felt it. We as humans have a talent which both helps and hinders our day to day the life. The ability to vision the future, to dream. And I did. I saw that baby in my head, saw our family unit, felt the excitement of welcoming a new life into the world again. It wasn't just a cluster of cells that left my body that day, it was my baby. Our future, which slipped away so quietly, so simply and so cruelly.

It wasn't just a chemical miscarriage.

It was so much more.



38 comments:

  1. This post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so, so sorry. xxx
    www.rosesjaunes.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I really want to write a comment but I have no idea what to say. Thinking of you xxx

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  3. I'm so sorry. A pregnancy always starts with hopes and dreams - it doesn't matter how far along you get it still hurts like hell to have them ripped away x

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    1. It really does. Thanks for your comment, means so much xx

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  4. Oh Emma I am so so sorry! Ofcourse this was a real pregnancy, don't let anyone ever tell you any different. You let this baby, however tiny, into your heart and I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Wishing you lots of strength xxx

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  5. I'm sorry this happened to you, it must have been awful x

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    1. It was! But I feel much better now. Xx

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  6. didn't want to read and run so sending hugs, sorry for what you're going through - but I understand,you're grieving for the child and the future you'd envisioned xxx

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    1. Aw thank you so much. I am grieving for what won't be I suppose. Thanks for taking the time to comment xx

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  7. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to write but I just wanted you to know that people are thinking of you. x

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    1. Thank you, it's so heartwarming to know people care! Xx

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  8. I'm so sorry, this is so sad. Let Alice work her magic to fill that emptiness that you feel. Your gorgeous little girl will heal you xxx

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    1. She will and she has been! So thankful for her right now xx

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  9. Those last few words made me teary ...im so so sorry for your loss. It doesn't mean much now but what is meant to be, will be. Focus on Alice and she will get you through xx

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    1. Thank you, and you are so right. Alice is helping me through it! Xx

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  10. First of all I am so sorry for your loss. The way you wrote this was beautiful, it summed up exactly how I felt when I too lost a pregnancy early on. I hated that the doctor called it a 'chemical pregnancy' I hate that term so much.

    Hope you're doing Ok

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    1. Thank you!
      I hate the term chemical miscarriage too. It feels like it wasn't a real pregnancy or something, which makes it so hard to deal with. It was real and we are allowed to feel sad about it! Xx

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  11. This post made me cry. So beautiful written. I hope you are ok <3xxx

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    1. Thank you. I am much better now than I was last week xx

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  12. So sorry that this turned out to be. I did wonder a few weeks back, but whose right is it to ask? While these words don't mean anything now, I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, you have to believe that. I wish very much that you are blessed with another baby soon. Alice will help you through. xxx

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    1. Thank you Charlotte.
      I wasn't sure whether to write about it, but I didn't want to ignore it or pretend it didn't happen. That would have made it much harder to deal with.
      And I agree, everything does happen for a reason. I just hope I find out what that reason is sooner rather than later! Xx

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  13. Sorry about your loss. Next week is the 4 years since i had a miscarriage and i still hate the day, i have a 3 year old now but i still think about it often, you will be in thoughts when i light my annual candle xx

    www.munchedlife.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And thank you for thinking of me, it really means so much xx

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  14. You poor thing. :( It's just over 2 years since I lost a baby at about 10 weeks and to most people that may as well have been "just a chemical miscarriage" but I know it hurts like hell. Let yourself grieve and don't for a minute doubt that it was real, because you know it was. Sending you lots of love xxx

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    1. 10 weeks! My goodness, I'm so sorry for you.
      I am grieving it, even though I was so early in the pregnancy. To me, it was a baby I will never hold, no matter what anyone else thinks.
      Thank you for your kind comment xx

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  15. Oh Emma! I am so sorry! Of course it wasn't "just" a chemical miscarriage - those cells were potential. I can't imagine how heartbroken you are, but I know you are a strong woman, and you will get through this. Sending massive hugs your way. Xxo

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    1. Thank you. They were potential, exactly. And I will get throug it with the help of one very energetic toddler! Xx

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  16. So sorry to hear this Emma. I know how heartbreaking this can be. Don't let anyone tell you it was just cells. I hope you'll be blessed with another baby soon. xxxxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. And I hope so too! Xx

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  17. oh emma i am so sorry to read this post. i recently just had a miscarriage days before our twelve week scan. i really don't think the time frame matters at all, the bottom line is, it is one of the hardest things to go through.
    let yourself have that time to grieve. i still have very 'off' days but they are getting fewer and further between and like you i have the best distraction...a crazy toddler!
    sending you much love x

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  18. I am so sorry to hear this Emma. Beautifully written. I hope Alice and Dave are helping you at this time and you will have a positive test soon xx

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  19. Thanks so much for sharing this post. I know a lot of friends who have gone through miscarriages and they are horrible and sad and not fun
    xo xo

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  20. The cells signified hope, potential and a chance to dream. Therefore it was way more than just a chemical miscarriage. I am sorry lovely. x

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