There is a big fat rain cloud hanging over me at the moment. I have been doing my best to ignore it. I post happy pictures of my day up. Smiling. Alice doing funny things. The beautiful autumn colours that have engulfed the world right now. But it's all a cover. A mask which conceals a deep, horrible pain lurking beneath that up until now, I have been keeping secret.
But this is a blog. And I am clearly an over sharer. And I don't want to always gloss over all the hard, nasty bits of life, because we must endure these bits in order to appreciate the good times.
I want another baby. So much it hurts. I'm ready, we're ready, Alice is definitely ready. But for some reason, it's just not happening. I can not tell you how difficult it is to go through each month, only to emerge into the next one, still not pregnant. With every cycle I go through, I feel like a little bit of hope is leaving me. I'm not ready to admit just how long it's been, but it has been a while.
Some months have been worse than others. The month I suffered a chemical miscarriage was by far the worst. Some have been not so bad. Expected really. When you are trying to get pregnant, your body does a terrible thing to you. It mimics every pregnancy symptom, every single month whether you are or not. Cramps, sore boobs, exhaustion. I'v had it all! The amount of times I have been convinced I'm pregnant when I'm not, I should be about ready to give birth by now.
Alice is amazing. She is my whole world and her smile keeps me going alone. I love her so much, I really do. And honestly, if she is the only child I ever had, she will always be enough. She is perfect and I am so proud of everything she does, I really am. But I love being a mum and I feel I have so much more to give. I long for a new baby. A sibling for Alice. A family of 4.
I know it's going to happen. I can feel it, sense it. I know there will be a new baby growing inside me one day. But with every month that passes, I just get this horrible wave of fear that seeps through me like that moment a spider races across the floor and you know you have to go and find it, and trap it, and let it out, even though you don't want to move. That sinking feeling, where your heart sort of drops for a moment and you have to catch your breath. A fear that it might never happen again to me.
But if it does. No, when it does. I can tell you right now, I am going to savour it. Every bloody second of it. Every single wave of sickness, every cramp in my tummy, every uncomfortable nights sleep, every kick from within. I will cherish every second of my pregnancy. And when I hold that newborn in my arms. He/she will be our little miracle baby.
And we will welcome him or her home with the warmest of smiles.
Because we are ready for you baby. And we are waiting....