Waiting.


There is a big fat rain cloud hanging over me at the moment. I have been doing my best to ignore it. I post happy pictures of my day up. Smiling. Alice doing funny things. The beautiful autumn colours that have engulfed the world right now. But it's all a cover. A mask which conceals a deep, horrible pain lurking beneath that up until now, I have been keeping secret.

But this is a blog. And I am clearly an over sharer. And I don't want to always gloss over all the hard, nasty bits of life, because we must endure these bits in order to appreciate the good times.

I want another baby. So much it hurts. I'm ready, we're ready, Alice is definitely ready. But for some reason, it's just not happening. I can not tell you how difficult it is to go through each month, only to emerge into the next one, still not pregnant. With every cycle I go through, I feel like a little bit of hope is leaving me. I'm not ready to admit just how long it's been, but it has been a while.

Some months have been worse than others. The month I suffered a chemical miscarriage was by far the worst. Some have been not so bad. Expected really. When you are trying to get pregnant, your body does a terrible thing to you. It mimics every pregnancy symptom, every single month whether you are or not. Cramps, sore boobs, exhaustion. I'v had it all! The amount of times I have been convinced I'm pregnant when I'm not, I should be about ready to give birth by now.

Alice is amazing. She is my whole world and her smile keeps me going alone. I love her so much, I really do. And honestly, if she is the only child I ever had, she will always be enough. She is perfect and I am so proud of everything she does, I really am. But I love being a mum and I feel I have so much more to give. I long for a new baby. A sibling for Alice. A family of 4.

I know it's going to happen. I can feel it, sense it. I know there will be a new baby growing inside me one day. But with every month that passes, I just get this horrible wave of fear that seeps through me like that moment a spider races across the floor and you know you have to go and find it, and trap it, and let it out, even though you don't want to move. That sinking feeling, where your heart sort of drops for a moment and you have to catch your breath. A fear that it might never happen again to me.

But if it does. No, when it does. I can tell you right now, I am going to savour it. Every bloody second of it. Every single wave of sickness, every cramp in my tummy, every uncomfortable nights sleep, every kick from within. I will cherish every second of my pregnancy. And when I hold that newborn in my arms. He/she will be our little miracle baby.

And we will welcome him or her home with the warmest of smiles.

Because we are ready for you baby. And we are waiting....

xx

14 comments

  1. I really admire you for sharing this, it is something that I am sure will help a lot of people going through the same thing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you :) x

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  2. Oh sweetheart. I feel for you. I don't know why, but I had an inkling that you were trying for number two. Just a feeling? I don't know when number two will come for us. I have never tried for a baby before and I don't know how the system works. William just came to us - our little surprise. I think, hopefully by this time next year, it would be nice to be pregnant again, but I don't hold out too much hope for a smooth journey. It will happen for you. Like you, I have that feeling. Hold on to that feeling and don't let go. And, I'm sure everyone tells you, but don't focus on baby too much over Christmas. Relax, eat, drink and be merry and you may find you have a New Year's surprise. xx

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  3. I wrote a post like this a while ago and since then I had more months of dissapointment but it will happen! And when it does like you say you will cherish each little thing more. X

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  4. This post actually made me a little watery eyed...its very stressful for us at times, largely due to the fact that our two girls are so close together in age but your post has made me feel incredibly blessed to have them both in my life.
    In future on days when they are both playing mummy up and I feel at the end of my tether, I may just turn to your post as a little reminder of how thankful I should be.
    You'll get there hon, I feel sure it will happen for you at some point. Stop youre panicking and let things take their natural course. I really hope you get the next little bundle of joy you so want as you are a brilliant mummy.
    xx

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  5. I tried to send you a DM on Twitter but was unable to. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're having to go through this pain. I have a life long debilitating illness and can relate to the frustration and anguish when you desperately want your body to do something, but it won't. I'm unable to carry a child as it's would be too dangerous with a high chance of miscarriage, prematurity and the risk to my health. It is a horrible feeling that you know you want something so badly but you can't. I really hope that you get your baby soon and don't have to go through the grief and pain again of a miscarriage, which I can only imagine is soul destroying. I really hope that you get your wish for Christmas. We will all be incredibly happy when you post a blog about your pregnancy. We are all thinking of you and here to support you. Lots of love XxxX

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  6. What a really beautiful share! I can relate as I experienced this with my first daughter, trying to fall pregnant with her felt like holding the ocean back with a fork most cycles. Month after month, negative test after negative test. But it finally happened! When I wasn't hanging onto the hope every second, I let go for a little bit and BOOM! So I know its hard, band its emotionally draining and it feels as those the cosmos is against you. Well I'm here to tell you that they are not, they too are waiting...for the right time to give you ,your right moment to grow your miracle baby. xx

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  7. You know what you doing is counterproductive, you know that chillin' out is key to mannifesting anything...

    Thinking of you!

    X

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  8. Visualising your 2nd 3rd child your perfect family now might help(positive loving vibrations) and the book law of attraction Esther & Jerry Hicks is amazing!

    Only you can create / manifest what you desire, make it happen, Emma!

    X

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  9. thank you for sharing this I ca imagine it must be hard, my bet wishes to your family :)

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  10. I think a lot of women can understand how you feel. I remember all to much that gutting feeling when another month rolls by without a positive test.

    I hope it all goes well for you and it was such a pleasure reading, thank you for sharing such a real post.

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  11. I'm trying for my first right now, and yeah, it's a heartbreak. Every month you have to face the fact that you're not pregnant yet, every month you figure out when your potential baby would be born, every month is really hard. I'm sorry...I hope you get a positive soon.

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  12. This is a brave and beautiful post. I can only imagine the waiting must be hard, we just want it to happen instantly, and seeing another month roll on past is so hard. I hope that you get your happy news soon. xxx

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  13. I'm a big believer in what's for you won't go by you. I'm sure baby number 2 will happen soon my dear, try not to stress about it though - difficult, I know, but it will only interfere with the baby making process - and just enjoy all the practice you're getting! I hope it happens soon xxo

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  14. Such a touching post, it must have been so hard to put this out for everyone to read. I hope Baby2 isn't too far off in your future.

    Thanks for such an honest, heartfelt post x

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