From the outside looking in, everything looks rosy. My children are pictured happy and smiling, the house looks pretty tidy and I wear a smile of confidence in every photo. A smile that says, I'm fine. A smile that boasts, I am on top of things. A smile, that masks the truth underneath.
Because I haven't been happy recently. I've been struggling.
I feel like I have tried to become someone I am not, both online and offline, and it's taken it's toll on me, big time. Some of you may remember my YouTube video talking about my feelings around mummy vlogging. I took it down because I just couldn't handle to amount of negative comments I was getting. And because I realised it's just not my place to say such things really. I just grew exhausted of having to be a certain way in order to please others. Of feeling like I wasn't good enough. Of trying to be better. Be funnier. Have a tidier house. Be more charismatic...
So I pulled away from YouTube. I turned my personal Facebook back into a place where my family and friends were and created a Facebook page for my blogger friends and followers instead. And I started going back to what I wanted to blog about in the first place. What I originally set out to create and achieve.
This blog is a little piece of the internet where I can share all the things I love about being a mum. A place where I can share pictures of our days out, of my children being silly, of the food we make together or the places we go. It's full of colour, and happiness. A place where not only I can escape after a hard day, but perhaps others can too.
And suddenly, I feel a little happier. I'm breaking out of that bubble I put myself in. That strange mould I had wrapped around myself in order to fit someone elses opinion of me has started to break, and crack, and fall away. And I feel like I can breathe again.
Like many other bloggers out there, I never set out to make money from this, or for it to become my part time job. But it has, and that's ok. I'm thrilled to be able to earn from something I enjoy so so much. But I do feel like the online world has become a little more scary recently and it's pulled me away from the things in life that really do matter. Like my family. My kids. My husband.
So I'm putting them first. Where they should have been all along. And I'm blogging for me again! Yesterday I realised my blog had reached number 163 in the Tots100 and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm myself again. Because I'm enjoying it again. And perhaps people are noticing that.
Always be yourself, because you're the only one who can be!