I'm Struggling


From the outside looking in, everything looks rosy. My children are pictured happy and smiling, the house looks pretty tidy and I wear a smile of confidence in every photo. A smile that says, I'm fine. A smile that boasts, I am on top of things. A smile, that masks the truth underneath.

Because I haven't been happy recently. I've been struggling.

I feel like I have tried to become someone I am not, both online and offline, and it's taken it's toll on me, big time. Some of you may remember my YouTube video talking about my feelings around mummy vlogging. I took it down because I just couldn't handle to amount of negative comments I was getting. And because I realised it's just not my place to say such things really. I just grew exhausted of having to be a certain way in order to please others. Of feeling like I wasn't good enough. Of trying to be better. Be funnier. Have a tidier house. Be more charismatic...

So I pulled away from YouTube. I turned my personal Facebook back into a place where my family and friends were and created a Facebook page for my blogger friends and followers instead. And I started going back to what I wanted to blog about in the first place. What I originally set out to create and achieve.

This blog is a little piece of the internet where I can share all the things I love about being a mum. A place where I can share pictures of our days out, of my children being silly, of the food we make together or the places we go. It's full of colour, and happiness. A place where not only I can escape after a hard day, but perhaps others can too.

And suddenly, I feel a little happier. I'm breaking out of that bubble I put myself in. That strange mould I had wrapped around myself in order to fit someone elses opinion of me has started to break, and crack, and fall away. And I feel like I can breathe again.

Like many other bloggers out there, I never set out to make money from this, or for it to become my part time job. But it has, and that's ok. I'm thrilled to be able to earn from something I enjoy so so much. But I do feel like the online world has become a little more scary recently and it's pulled me away from the things in life that really do matter. Like my family. My kids. My husband.

So I'm putting them first. Where they should have been all along. And I'm blogging for me again! Yesterday I realised my blog had reached number 163 in the Tots100 and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm myself again. Because I'm enjoying it again. And perhaps people are noticing that.

Always be yourself, because you're the only one who can be!

xx

10 comments

  1. Its so comforting to know that its not only me going through this. IN particular the time it takes to build a blog and the fact that involved me spending time away from my kids and husband. The fact that people are after perfection, and sometimes putting yourself out there on the net can be so daunting. but you're right. Life doesnt have to be perfect, in fact its when we show our vulnerabilities that we learn to accept and we bring people closer to us. #stayreal #thestruggleisreal

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    1. Ah, thank you for your comment. I totally agree. My blog and in particular trying to build a Youtube channel at the same time, had really started to pull me away from my family. Which is quite ironic really because it's all about my family and being a mum! Sometimes it's good to step back and get some perspective. I think it's made me a better blogger to be honest! xx

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  2. I used to blog many years ago before it became quite the industry it is now. A lot of my old blogging friends and I stopped at around the same time because of the way you are feeling now.

    I think if you can keep your perspective and remember why you started in the first place you are already halfway there. It's when you start living your life for the blog rather than blogging your life that it starts to intefere I think. I've certainly noticed that your voice send to have become more authentic again. Keep it up!

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  3. Thank you Gemma! I totally agree, and it's so easy to start living for the blog instead of just documenting your life. I feel that's what I began to do and it was blooming exhausting. So now we are back to just living and blogging as we go, and I couldn't be happier. So glad you have noticed a change, I feel it too! xx

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    1. You can always tell when the balance changes and yours is certainly swinging back the right way. Don't let it consume you. I've read your blog since a friend told me about it. I'm local to you and I love seeing the adventures you all go on!! In fact I think I saw you all at the park recently but didn't say hi as I didn't want to seem like a psycho!!

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    2. Haha! No way! You should have said hi! And thank you. I won't let it consume me, I'm feeling pretty good about the balance I have going on right now! xx

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  4. Oh Emma! I love your blog and your mummy routine! I'm from Brazil and my life with two Kids is similar to yours in some aspects! I really like to practice my reading and listening with you! Thanks for all your posts and videos! Your family is so gorgeous! ;)
    Bruna Marques

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    1. Thank you so much :) So lovely to hear that you enjoy reading it! xx

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  5. I'm not a blogger, but I have had similar feelings recently surrounding social media. I too have taken a step back, but by not going on my personal facebook. I felt like I had become so wrapped up in what everyone else was doing & comparing, that I was unhappy & not appreciating all that was in front of me- My Family, our home etc
    Taking a step back has helped me to focus on what's important.

    That said, I do look forward to seeing your posts and your channel is one of my favourites!!

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    1. Thats exactly what I've done too! I feel like I got too wrapped up in comparing myself to others all the time. I've started blogging our actual life as a family again as opposed to doing things just to blog about them, if that makes sense? It's good to have a digital detox every now and again though! And thank you! :) xx

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