It all became too much

Thursday, March 23, 2017

You may have recently seen my latest YouTube video, where I announce I will be taking a break from vlogging. If you haven't seen it, you might not know why, so I thought I would write it all down too! Firstly, I am not taking a break from this blog. In fact, I'm going to be posting a lot more now. I feel excited to create new content and to be back working on a platform that I have loved from the first time I hit publish on my first post! My blog has given me an amazing creative outlet, a way to record my families journey and I would not be without it!

YouTube gave me so much joy. At first. I felt so eager to create content and have it up that I would often put vlogs up on the day I filmed them! I was so excited to keep creating more and to try out new ideas. To film more, to capture more, to show you more. I got excited every time I posted a new vlog and couldn't wait to find out how many views I would get, what the comments would be, how many new subscribers I might get.

And I guess looking back, I can see those warning signs. Looking for approval, for likes and pandering to what people wanted to see started to have a really bad effect on my mental health. I found myself creating content that I didn't necessarily enjoy making or watching myself. I started comparing myself to others, especially those more successful than me and analysing why they were going better. Were they prettier, did they have a more exciting life, were their houses better than mine?

Social media has changed so much. There are now so many platforms and the competition to be heard is so fierce. Not only are people posting instagrams, but they are also doing instagram stories and instagram lives. Add to that keeping your Facebook page relevant, doing Facebook live videos, tweeting non stop, promoting your latest video, snap chat... I mean the list goes on. It became all consuming, and a battle I was NEVER going to win. Ever time I thought I was ahead, I would find someone else doing it better than me and having more success and it made me feel inadequate.

Ultimately, it was my family and my children who suffered. I look back at some of the vlogs I made and I WASN'T THERE! I was literally stood behind a camera, trying desperately to capture those moments that I thought people might want to see.

Finally I asked myself what it even was I wanted to achieve? Seeing other vloggers announcing they were leaving jobs to do YouTube full time started to make me see things for how they were. This job was not one that I wanted. It was too much for me. To constantly compete with others, to have to continue putting every aspect of my families life online for the World to judge and to keep making myself appealing to advertisers and brands so I could make a living from it was overwhelming and quite honestly, filled me with dread.

I have always loved this blog, but it was getting neglected. I was getting swept up in creating content that didn't mean anything to me and it was making me sad and down.

I want to get back to doing what I love. Back to where this all started for me. This blog. I feel this blog is so much less intrusive on my families life. I can whip out my camera, take a few snaps and put it away. There's no time line for posting, no pressure to pander to what people want to see and (this may sound awful), but it can be far more controlled and edited. Which means I can decide how much to tell you, how much of my family to show. Of course, I will always be honest! But I can do that in a way that protects my families privacy. And they need that. They deserve that.

Where does this leave YouTube? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll return after a break, but with different content. Or maybe I won't. One thing is for sure, this blog ain't going anywhere, so be sure to follow along!

Thanks for always supporting me everyone. It means a whole bunch!


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