My Body Crisis

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I remember so clearly when this photo was taken. It was our first holiday abroad with two children. We went on a pretty bog standard package holiday to Fuerteventura. I remember when we booked it, one night whilst the kids were tucked up in bed, after agreeing that we needed a break away. In the sun. I was so excited, and happy. Until I ordered some swimwear.

I remember trying it on it the bathroom mirror and crying. literally crying. I was a lot bigger than I realised I was. I had always been a size 6-8, but since having Tommy, I hadn't really looked after myself. I'd been eating whatever I could, surviving on hardly any sleep and wrestling to get a toddler ready for nursery every morning. My weight hadn't even crossed my mind. I was on survival mode.

Seeing the effects of my neglect staring back at me from my bathroom mirror hit me harder than I ever thought possible. I hated myself. I hated everything about how I looked, from my big thighs, wobbly belly and huge arms. I vowed to stop eating. I wasn't healthy about it, I'll admit it. I was just completely set on losing that weight. As a result, my mood dipped, I felt exhausted and grumpy all the time and my body barely changed.

We went away and I put on a smile, threw on my swimwear and tried to enjoy myself. When we got back, I ate more healthily, started exercising and eventually my weight got down to a level I was happy with.

Now, when I look at this photo, I don't see any of that. I see my kids looking young and cute. I see the blue sky, yellow sand and beautiful sea. I see a mum who looks happy and confident and not at all fat. Because I wasn't. I wasn't fat. I had put on a little weight, but I was genuinely happy before I freaked out in that mirror. And now, when I think about the stupid things I did to try to shift that extra weight quickly, I wonder why on Earth I felt so incredibly insecure about myself.

And I just don't know. I have no answers. I could blame social media, instagram, celebrities, magazines... but the truth is I honestly don't know why I felt so insecure. I came across this picture the other day and remembered all these things I had done, and it was like I had blocked it out of my memory. Which I am quite glad about because it was an unhealthy, reckless time of my life. But I just want you to know, that if you ever look at yourself in the mirror, and feel like crying, you're not alone. And I hope you'll find the courage to get out there in your swimwear and take some pictures of yourself with your kids. Because one day, you'll look back on them and wonder what on Earth you were ever so insecure about!


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